Warlord: An Alex Hawke Novel by Ted Bell

This is your basic 'ultra cool, dangerous, spy guy (except he is British so he is perfectly mannered and spoken) saves the world from evil bad guy' novel.  Now typically, these are right up my ally.  This one, however, asks you to suspend the old disbelief a tad too much.

While our hero is a little annoying (he is Lord Hawke, after all, how could he not be a bit of a d-bag?), the true problem is our villain.  This dude is so good, he carries off unbelievably heinous crimes over a 30 year period and they have no idea who he is.  Some are ridiculously complicated, some so simple as to be moronic.  Hell, dude apparently could have killed every man, woman, and child in the British Empire without getting caught had he been so inclined.  Then, our hero gets him in the end so easily you wonder what took him so damn long.

Basically, this book was o.k.  Read it, don't read it, I don't really care.....

Nats

Matterhorn: A Novel of the Vietnam War by Karl Marlantes

I like books on the Vietnam War.  They remind me what a bunch of pussies left wing, liberal, commie sympathisers can be as well as why Jane Fonda should rot in hell as well as why I hate UC Berkley (Cal to the average college sports fan).  But I digress....

This book takes our hero on his trip through his first tour of Nam as a United States Marine.  The lingo is fascinating, the drama intense, and it gives you a look at some behind the lines aspects of the war that we are rarely privy to.  There is one aspect of this book that kept me from enjoying it, though.  The Battalion Commander absolutely abused one of his Companies throughout the piece.  Hell, he did more damage to his men than the enemy did.  I can't imagine this happening.  Then again, that may be because I have never been in the military and don't know what I'm talking about.  Anything is possible.

Anyway, give this one a read and let me know what you think.  I enjoyed it.

Nats

Somewhere in Ireland a Village is Missing an Idiot by David Feherty

Since we've talked about 'ol Dave ad nauseum lately, I'll make this brief.  This is a collection of his early rants from Golf magazine and golfonline.com.  While they are very entertaining, if you are a long time follower of Feherty, there is no reason to buy this book.  If not, go ahead and get it.  Our Irish/Texan friend can always use the money to keep him in Bushmills and percocet.

Nats

Foreign Influence by Brad Thor

Brad Thor has written a bunch of very good espionage thrillers in the past.  This is another in that fine heritage.  With the demise of the Soviet Union, we needed a new bad guy for all these books, movies, and tv shows.  Unfortunately, radical Islam has been more that happy to take its place (note to Jihadists who may be reading this; don't shoot me (the messanger).  This is pretty much common knowledge at this point). 

I've noticed that these books tend to be getting a little racier these days.  This one, bless 'ol Brad's heart, starts with kinky dwarf sex followed by a bloody assasination attempt.  It then continues later to have a hot all female Delta Team who pose as prostitutes.  Good times.  Good times....

This was a very entertaining read.  Go get it and enjoy.

Nats

Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

Let me begin by saying that this book is hysterical.  But more on that in a moment.  I'd like to now talk about why I hate Justin Halpern.  Now don't get me wrong, he seems like a decent enough guy.  But seriously, the only better way you could blindly stumble into money like this is to win the lottery.  When I was the age he was when he moved home I was married, had a mortgage, and was paying off a mountain of student loans.  He lives with his folks, Tweets the obnoxious yet comical things his father says, then starts printing money.  Mother F*cker!  That, and he got to play college baseball?  Seriously, F-You!

OK, now that I got that off my chest, this book is shear genius.  His Dad comes off like an amazing prick, but he actually loves and cares about his family deeply.  He just has a somewhat, oh I don't know, direct way of showing it.  I was laughing out loud at his exploits by page 5.  This is a must have for every guy's library (even if it is just a magazine rack filled with Playboys next to the shitter).  Go out and buy it today.

Nats

The Pacific by Hugh Ambrose

Hugh had a tough act to follow. His dad, Stephen, was arguably the best, and probably the most profitable, military historian ever. He had to have made a giant grip of cash from Band of Brothers alone. So when Hugh picked up the pen from his fallen father (my condolences Hugh, your Dad was too young to die. My dad died about that same age, and with the life he led, was waaaaaay overdue) he had a pretty big hill to climb.

Look, I am not the NY Times kinda guy who is going to crush a guy's work like he was swatting a fly then sit down with a Fanta to watch some gay porn. This blog is supposed to be fun. That being said, let’s give old Hugh a pass on this one. Buy the book and donate it to your local library in the name of John Basilone. Watch the miniseries on HBO. If you are a cheap bastard like me, and don't have HBO, watch Band of Brothers on DVD for the hundredth time and go read Pegasus Bridge by his dad.

Nats

A Nasty Bit of Rough by David Feherty

OK, we've discussed that Feherty is nuts. But this is waaaay over the top. A Nasty Bit of Rough is an idiotic, unbelievably funny, masterpiece of dick jokes, UK neighborly intolerance, and rampant drunken stupidity. I loved every moronic page of it. This thing even has plot twists and a freakin’ cliff hanger ending for God's sake! All this from a former pill popping, Bushmills swilling, mediocre Irish tour pro (who, lest ye misunderstand, I would give my left nut to play a round of golf with. It’s OK, I've already had kids....).

I won't bother going into the plot for you. I don't want to spoil any of this literary jewel (and by jewel I mean book that not so subtly implies that a giant, ugly Scotsman has a less than totally platonic relationship with a three legged sheep. I shit you not...). Seriously, guys crap themselves not once but twice in this damn thing (the second leading to the funniest line in the long history of the written word). Just buy it and enjoy. And by the way, if you happen to read this Feherty, finish the freakin’ sequel already you lazy bastard!!

Nats

Deliver Us from Evil by David Baldacci

I have read several of Baldacci's works before and they have always been entertaining. This, however, is his best work to date. You have a sick, twisted, former commie, super bad guy. Not one, but two sets of good guys. A little sex, a good amount of violence, some sadism, interesting locales. Good times….

Now be advised, our main hero (like I said, we have two sets here) is another one of those ‘I’m the baddest man walking the face of the earth’ types. And our heroine (from the other camp) is hot, tiny, and can kick everyone’s ass too. So, as usual, suspended disbelief will help.

This book has a bunch of unexpected plot twists that keep you guessing until the end. A thoroughly enjoyable read. So says…

Nats

The Power of Positive Idiocy by David Feherty

I love Feherty. He is one of those guys who is perfectly happy saying whatever he feels like saying and not worrying about (embracing?) offending the little minds along the way. While I couldn't get away with it (being a WASP, a group that offends people with their mere existence) he can. Why? Because he is a drunken Mick! All one has to do is watch Blazing Saddles to see how our Irish friends were treated back in the day (“All right... we'll give some land to the n**gers and the ch*nks. But we don't want the Irish!"). And, he does it with great humor and wit. Also, he is a devotee of pill popping and binge drinking (being Irish, the later is kind of a birth right). My kinda guy!

The Power of Positive Idiocy is a collection of reprints of Feherty's articles from Golf Magazine. If you are a regular follower of his, don't bother with this book as you've already read its contents. If not, and you are a golf fan (or a fan of snarky Irish golf commentators), go ahead and pick it up. It's good for a few laughs...

Nats

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER by Seth Grahame-Smith

Ok, someone around here is crazy. Not just your run-of-the-mill 'makes bad dating choices' crazy, either. I'm talking 'hide the sharp objects and sedate this mother fu**er' crazy. Most of the time, I'd be referring to myself. Not this time, however.

Now old Seth could be as normal as the next guy and just have a hyperactive imagination. But I seriously doubt it. I came to this conclusion after reading the introduction. It was all downhill after that. You know the worst part? He had me believing this shit! That's how good he was.

Apparently our boy Honest Abe was a world class bad ass. Funny how they failed to mention that in 5th grade. Not only did he kick mortal ass, he scored hot chicks and killed vampires (not to be confused with fellow Democratic president Bill Clinton who scored fat chicks and married a vampire, but I digress). Pretty impressive. I had no idea.....

This is a wildly entertaining read. Like I said, the author sells this to the extent that it seems plausible (every guy that I see wearing sunglasses in -doors now I assume is a vampire, not just a douche bag. A douche bag vampire maybe....). The best part is that, unlike most of Fox's prime time dramas, there is no need to check your disbelief at the door. That being said, I'm going to assume he is simply a talented writer and get on with my life. I suggest you buy this book, read it, and do the same.

Nats

The Burning Land: A Novel (Saxon Tales) by Bernard Cornwell

The Burning Land is told in the first person by a bad ass Viking who was fighting for an English lord. While the author does use a healthy dose of letters that don't exist in our language along with names that you can't pronounce, he writes the piece in current English, which is a bonus, because if he wrote it in 9th century English we wouldn't be able to read any of it.

Our hero, Lord Uhtred, kicks ass and takes names throughout the ancient English countryside in a series of bloody, gore strewn battles. There is a little sex, a sadistic villainess, a sprinkling of profanity, and a bunch of pain in the butt monks and priests thrown in for good measure. All of this makes for a very entertaining look at the life of an early European warlord.

I found my thoughts turning to how filthy and foul smelling the combatants would have to have been back then during the battle sequences and what unkempt, furry messes the women must have been during the sex scenes. Yes, it did take away a little from my enjoyment of the work (which, of course, is no fault of the author's) but as long as I kept those thoughts at bay, this was a thoroughly satisfying read. I give it a long sword up the arse of a filthy, heathen Dane (our hero would approve). Enjoy....

Nats

Mike and Mike's Rules for Sports and Life by Mike Greenberg, Mike Golic, and Andrew Chaikivsky

For those of you who don't regularly listen to ESPN radio, Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic host a sports talk radio show from 6am EST to 10am EST Monday through Friday. Greenberg is a skinny little geek and Golic is a giant ex-NFL lineman slob. They are both entertaining and opinionated and have a very good show.

All that being said, I hardly ever listen to them. Why, you ask? If you notice in that first sentence, I list their times in EST. I live in PST. That would mean that their show is on from 3am to 7am where I live. The odds of my catching them, pretty much ever, are somewhere between Greeny beer-bonging a six pack of PBR and Golic giving an accurate presentation of the correct cheese to serve with various French varietals. I do like them, however, which is why I bought their book. After having read it, I should have saved my money for several of the aforementioned Pabst Blue Ribbon six packs. This book is not funny, not insightful, doesn't teach you anything, has no sex or violence, and is basically a waste of time. Other than that, I loved it.....

Unless you are a diehard Mike and Mike fan, go ahead and skip this one. Don't blame me for the cheap beer hangover should you go with Plan B.

Nats

Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government by Glenn Beck and Kevin Balfe

Before reading this book I had very little exposure to Mr. Beck's work. Reading the glowing comments that such left wing fanatics as Keith Olbermann and Whoopi Goldberg shared about the author (think somewhere between Rush Limbaugh and Uncle Joe Stalin), I figured he would be your typical right wing fanatic. As I started the book the people around me (I tend to eat alone a lot and read while I do it) had all kinds of warnings for me that followed suit. I must say, however, that I was pleasantly surprised. Mr. Beck is a strict constitutionalist who rails on both sides equally for wrongs against the work of our founding fathers. That being said, considering our founding fathers believed in as little interference from the federal level in our lives as possible, you can pretty much guess which side of the aisle he leans towards.

I'll warn you now, however, that the picture he paints of our current state of national affairs is pretty bleak. After a hundred pages or so you start to think living in Europe might not be so bad. Of course, then you realize that no matter how f'ed up we are here, Europe is exponentially worse. Don't get me wrong, it’s a great place to visit, I just wouldn't want them taxing me 800% so I cannot get the medical care I need before I die. Call me crazy. Any-hoo, this work is in a textbook format, which is a little nutty, and has a bunch of sidebars throughout, so it isn't the fastest read. That and the constitutional chapter at the end frequently required a little more next level thinking than I was willing take away from my ham, turkey, and cheddar on wheat. All in all, it was an entertaining, educational, humorous (laughing on our collective way to the gallows) look at our country.

If you love unions, Obama, and the idea that big government will cure all that ails you, don't even bother picking up this book. If you are anywhere to the right of that and are interested in learning about what's really going on around here, you'll find it a fascinating read.

Nats

Without Remorse by Tom Clancy

We all know Clancy's work.  For the most part, it's pretty good.  This, however, is his grand opus (my favorite cartoon penguin, by the way).  In Without Remorse we get the back story of Clancy's über badass, Mr. Clark.  Every two bit hack (I only aspire to make it all the way to 25₵ someday. On the hack scale, I'm currently about a peso...) who writes espionage fiction has a main character who is a former Navy Seal Green Beret Royal Marine who can sever your head with a pipe cleaner while simultaneously banging the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.  While they are festive, they frequently require a little suspended disbelief.  Clark, while being a seriously bad man, is more of the social misfit you would expect a professional killer to be.  He has normal human failings, makes mistakes, actually gets shot from time to time (unlike the above referenced NSGBRM who can shoot the nuts off a fly at 1,000 yards while the bad guys couldn't hit him if they pulled the trigger with the barrel of their weapons firmly planted up his ass).

We go back in time from Clancy's other works to find out what happened in Clark's past to turn him into the sociopath for the good guys that he became.  Once again, knowing how he ended up, it is not surprising to see how life repeatedly kicked him in the 'ol coin purse along the way.  After the worst of the bunch, our boy decided to get even and killed pretty much everyone who was even vaguely involved in a dizzying array of creative ways.  Good times... good times.

At 639 pages, this is a looooong read.  It is filled with enough action, suspense, heartbreak, and mayhem, however, to make it worthwhile.  Enjoy......

Nats

The Only Thing Worth Dying For: How Eleven Green Berets Forged a New Afghanistan by Eric Blehm

I had read accounts of our successes in Northern Afghanistan with the Northern Alliance but knew nothing about how we operated in Southern Afghanistan. This book tells the story of an Army Green Beret A-Team and how they helped overthrow the Taliban in the south.


The first thing that you are struck by is the selfless bravery of these young men. They relish embracing hardships that we (the average beer guzzling American male) blanch at the mere idea of having to endure. Now they are, as is every Special Forces type I have ever met, a little bit crazy. I guess you have to be to do the job they do.....

OK, I have to tell you, I'm having a really hard time writing this one. Don't get me wrong, this is an excellent work on the operations of a Green Beret A-Team. I learned a lot about how they operate and the missions for which they were designed. The problem I am having is with the ending. Be prepared, it is a kick straight to the nuts that you don't see coming. The problem is, it is real. I read a lot of military history and there are always stories of personal tragedy and sacrifice. I just wasn't prepared for this one.

By all means, buy and read this book. When you are done, and for the rest of your life, take every opportunity you get to thank the service men and women you meet for everything they do for us.

Nats

How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker: The Wisdom of Dickie Richard by Penn Jillette and Mickey D. Lynn

When I first found this book I thought it would be an entertaining look at poker written by a slightly off-center comedian. What I found is that it is actually a book that teaches you how to cheat your friends at poker. I shit you not. If you follow the lessons that are taught in this book, you can actually steal money from your friends at your weekly $20 buy-in game. He is so serious about this that Jillette actually put a bogus cover on the hardcover version. While the dustcover says 'How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker' the hardcover itself says 'The History of Playing Cards in America'. If he wasn't serious about teaching you how to cheat, he wouldn't have put a fake cover on the book.

Jillette tells the story of a friend of his, a guy he met while hitch hiking in his youth. For anonymities sake he calls his friend 'Dickie Richards'. 'Ol Dickie is a poker cheat. He will cheat anyone, any time, in a poker game, and in this book, he teaches you how to do it yourself. Now before you get visions of how you are going to rat-f the guy in your weekly cash game who raises every hand he is dealt and pushes all in on his 5-9 off suit, be aware that this is actually a pretty complicated strategy. Compared to this, counting cards at blackjack is relatively easy. But if you study this book, and practice a shit load, it will work. As Jillette says in the book's Disclaimer (which should be a hint in and of itself...) 'If you don't want to cheat, stop reading, sell this book on E-Bay for a couple of bucks, and quit playing poker for the rest of your life'. He summarizes his Disclaimer by saying 'If you're looking for honest money, get a job. If you're looking for fun, buy a hooker. If you're looking to hang out, go to a gay bar. If you're looking to make money in a home poker game...keep reading'. Seriously, it doesn't get much plainer than that.

Now I love playing poker (yes, I play Texas Hold-Em like every other douche-bag guy in the country). And yes, I host the occasional home game (which I did Friday night and cleaned out my friends). But no, I don't cheat. Frankly I'm so busy drinking and BS'ing with my boys that I don't even really pay attention to the game itself. Not only that, but I like my friends and would like to continue to have them. Combine that with my selective morality and I have never employed the strategies laid forth in this book. But trust me, they are logical, and they will work.

This book is brilliant. It is a must read for every guy. It is funny, thought provoking (of course in a bad way), dirty, and thoroughly enjoyable. If you play poker you have to read this book (even if you don't plan on f-ing over your buddies). That being said, if you do plan on stealing money from your friends, don't forget who turned you on to the ultimate 'How-To' book. After all, old Nats has kids to put through college too....


Nats

Pirate Latitudes: A Novel by Michael Crichton

Let's start by recognizing what a stud Michael Crichton was. Dude was responsible for Jurassic Park, The Andromeda Strain, Disclosure, and ER for God's sake. He sold over 150 million books! That being said, when they found the complete manuscript for Pirate Latitudes: A Novel in his files after his death, maybe they should have given him the benefit of the doubt and left it there.

Now don't get me wrong, it’s not a bad read. It moves pretty quickly and has some sex and a healthy dose of violence. The problem is that it is somewhat formulaic and contrived. You find yourself saying 'Come on, like that would work' after several of the pirates' adventures. Seriously, he’s a pirate, not Superman. I think I had to finally call a 20 when our heroes, while battling a kraken (giant squid) in the middle of the ocean, jumped overboard from their moving vessel on purpose, landed on the beast (which conveniently held still at a depth of about a foot), and stabbed it repeatedly until it swam away, at which point they were hauled back onto the ship by ropes thrown over the side. I know you have to suspend your disbelief occasionally to enjoy, shall we say, the nuances of a story, but you shouldn't have to be drunk and/or stoned at the same time.

If you enjoy pirate history and read everything that comes out, by all means buy this book. If not, save your money and buy one of the other pirate books I will review later.

Nats

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler

I know, I know, why am I reviewing (let alone reading in the first place) a book by a bitchy female comedian on a blog for guys? Allow me to answer alphabetically:

A) Chelsea is basically a guy with a vagina.
B) She is absolutely bat shit crazy.
C) I truly believe, at her core, she is kind of a bad person.

Add this all together and you get a wildly entertaining book. Now I will warn you, the first chapter of this tome is a bit hard to stomach (especially if you have young daughters). Doesn't mean it's not funny, which it is, it's just tough to read. From there it just gets funnier and a lot less creepy. Her family stories are hysterical and her father absolutely steals the book.
At only 244 pages, and formatted the way it is, this is a really quick, light read. It is, however, well worth the time.

Nats

SuperFreakonomics: Global Cooling, Patriotic Prostitutes, and Why Suicide Bombers Should Buy Life Insurance by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Remember taking Econ 101 in college?  Remember how mind numbingly boring the text books were?  If this had been one of them, you might have actually gotten a decent grade in that class.  Levitt and Dubner combine in-depth social economic research with creative, humorous writing.  Seriously, the first chapter is about the economics of prostitution.  What could be better?  Although, you will be pissed when you find out how much a mid-range escort makes. 

The following chapters are a little drier and less entertaining than the first, but I guess since they don't talk about sex and money that is to be expected.  If you enjoy social economics, you won't care.  If not, the rest of the book might be a little dry.  That being said, the best line of the book is on the second to last page (don't skip ahead!).

This is a quick read.  At only 216 pages it goes by pretty fast, even if you don't dig the econ part.

Nats

Americans in Paris: Life and Death Under Nazi Occupation by Charles Glass

When I bought this book, I thought it would contain harrowing tales of American spies and underground resistance fighters battling evil Nazi thugs throughout The City of Light. It doesn't. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, just not what I expected (and certainly not as captivating).

Roughly 30,000 American citizens lived in and around Paris before WWII. Of those, 5,000 ish decided to stay even after the US State Department told them it was time to 'get out of Dodge'. This book tells the stories of a handful of these people. They range from liberal lesbian book store owners (sadly, not as hot as they sound) who were used to entertaining the luminaries of the international literature scene, like Ernest Hemingway, to wealthy international businessmen of questionable morals, to displaced low level royalty. While the stories are interesting and insightful, they are hardly heart pounding nail bitters.

If you fancy yourself an amateur WWII historian you will definitely learn some things here that you didn't know (for me, it was how the Vichy government that they talk about in Casablanca actually worked). If you like your military literature to be heavy into body counts and exposed organs, you may want to skip this one.

Nats

Ball Four by Jim Bouton

It’s that time of year again.  Major League Baseball camps have opened in Arizona and Florida and you can now see a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of in reasonable facsimiles of uniforms that you recognize playing baseball for the first time since October (September in Cleveland, Kansas City, Pittsburg, etc...).  This is a bitter-sweet time for me as I love baseball but it really means I have a long, hot summer to get through before college football begins again.  With that being said, its time for you to read the best baseball book ever written (I know this because I've read, like, three of them), Ball Four by Jim Bouton.  Jim was a hard throwing young right hander for the Yankees in the late '50's and early '60's who blew out his arm (long before Tommy John or the surgery named for him) and chronicled his comeback as a knuckleballer in the 1968 season with the expansion Seattle Pilots.

Now, if you are one of the dreaded 'baseball purists' that we hear so much about on sports talk radio during the baseball season, you know this book and probably hate it.  Why?  Because Bouton was the very first (as far as you know) professional athlete to break the code of the locker room (you know, 'what happens in here stays in here').  He took notes on all the goings on of a big league ball player, from spring training to the regular season, from the big club to the minors and back again, and shared the stories with us.  Nothing was off limits.  He basically confirmed what we already suspected, baseball players get laid a lot, party like, well, big leaguers, get paid a bunch of money, and basically live the life we all wish we could live (the bastards!).

Keep in mind, if you are younger than say, 50, you have to know your baseball history.  He tells unbelievable stories about the guys who played in that era that, if you are in your 20's or 30's, will mean absolutely nothing to you.  But for those of us who know, this book is solid gold.  The stories are funny as hell and it is almost impossible to put this book down.  At better than 400 pages, it is a bit of a read, but it is so good that the pages fly by.  I've probably read this book ten times, and it is always funny.  If you like baseball, boozing, and broads (and who doesn't?) this is a must read.

Nats

You Want Fries with That: A White-Collar Burnout Experiences Life at Minimum Wage by Prioleau Alexander

My first book is one of my favorites; You Want Fries with That: A White-Collar Burnout Experiences Life at Minimum Wage by Prioleau Alexander (pronounced: alex-and-er).  The author is a retired Marine Corp officer who was working as an advertising executive when one day he decides he can't take it anymore.  Instead of dropping all the way out of society, as our pot smoking hippie fore fathers did, he decides to simply drop down a few notches on the food chain instead.  He walks a mile in the moccasins of minimum wage employees everywhere by taking on various positions that we come in contact with every day but pay little attention to.  From ice cream scooper to pizza delivery guy, Prioleau shares his experiences with humor and respect for the people doing these jobs with him as well as the jobs themselves.  Not only is this book hysterical (It is laugh out loud funny.  Seriously, I was reading it on a plane from San Diego to Denver and I actually laughed out loud.) it also makes the reader take pause and think about the challenges faced by the service industry people around us whom we never give a second thought to and allows us to appreciate them a little more than we did before.  (Since most people treat the people who serve them like they have a communicable disease, I realize there is really no where to go but up, but I digress....). 

This is a relativly short read at only 264 pages and it is so good you'll be done with it long before you want it to end.  If I had some lame rating system, like 5 Stars or Platinum Level, I would give it the highest rating.  But I don't, so suffice it to say you should go buy it immediately and start reading it tonight.

Nats